Poor Kids
"Poverty is so much more than lack of income, it's lack of choice it's a lack of opportunity it's a lack of agency...a lack of feeling like you can contribute." - Joshua Ogundu
As a kid, I didn't think that a family of 5 living in one bedroom was disadvantageous. I thought the guy at Shoe City was laughing with my dad and not at him for asking what 3 pairs of shoes he could buy with $100. I never saw the issue with the old Tustin Baseball hand-me-downs at all even though I didn't play baseball. I didn't think my parents not buying things for us was due to financial hardships (I just assumed they were very strict). I knew money was tight, but I thought it was exactly what every household dealt with. I thought everybody in Orange County knew their way around by using the bus or were accustomed walking to and from locations regularly.
Growing up poor, you don't even realize you're poor. The way of living, thinking, deciding, etc. It all feels like that's how life is for everybody. It's like a fish not knowing they're in water. I think I came to a sudden realization when I was starting my first year of high school. I remember I really started to compare myself to others by what they wore, whether they walked to school or not, and if they would go out to eat often. I remember the shame, embarrassment, and self-humiliation during those times when I didn't have money to buy things. I wanted to fit in and be part of whatever trends were in. It was so frustrating to not have the means to do things and having to figure out a way to make them happen when money wasn't really an option.
I started working when I was 16 years old at a McDonald's because I was so sick of usually having $2 that had to last me a week and because I hated asking my parents for money. I was too ashamed of potentially adding onto their troubles. At least that's how I saw it. I knew that if I asked my dad for money, he would give me his last $5 if he could and I didn't want to put him in that position. Despite him being against me working, I knew there was a bit of weight off his shoulders knowing that I could now pay for my own things. I remember my first check being about $67 and I was hyped.
I believe life in the U.S. is heavily relied on our socioeconomic status (SES). Socioeconomic status is assessed by looking at the social and the economic aspects of one's life. Essentially, these include things such as your income, education, job/profession, and where you live (American Psychological Association). I'd also argue that luck is a factor. Some people are just born into wealth and/or stability while others lose it due to tragedy outside of their control. SES is commonly categorized by low, middle, and high classifications. For example, based on the definition, if you are a doctor who makes six figures, you are probably in the high SES range. Socioeconomic status is an interesting topic and there's a lot to cover on the subject (and debate on), but I just wanted to plainly define SES as I understand it for this post.
Anyway, I do believe that your SES is a major contribution to how you carry out your life. You can move it up and you can move it down. Interestingly enough, there are studies that explain how SES affects us physically and mentally. People in low SES households generally experience inadequate developmental skills, poor education, poor physical health care, mental health negligence, and, most commonly pointed out, low income (American Psychological Association). These things are all interconnected and lead us to make decisions that are dependent on our status. Based on these findings, the odds are against poor people. Low and low-middle class living is stressful and so frustrating, but a household learns to manage however they can even in their unfavorable circumstances. People can move up in life if the cards are played right and if the plan is skillfully executed.
Many grow up with the desire to "make it out the hood," but lack the resources or methods to do it and go into things that do feel attainable in the moment. Things you see others do and appear to be successful with it (sometimes legal and sometimes not so much). Someone growing up in the face of poverty might not even consider learning about financial literacy because it was never a concept for them to begin with. And let's say someone in poverty Googles how to become financially literate, finance is still only one factor of SES. That way of living is a very difficult situation to get yourself out from when you don't have the fundamentals and resources to do it. You can even get used to it (learned helplessness). Many never make it out due to the circumstances they live in and the cycle is continued for generations until someone can break it.
A lot of us can improve our lifestyles and can get out of poverty (it's called social mobility), but the fragments of that way of living remain for quite some time, externally and internally. The spending habits, the brands you buy, the restaurants and shops you go to, the clothes you wear and how you wear them, the jobs you do, the jobs you feel qualified for, the places you go, etc. Then there's that other layer involving the worry of money, the fear of going broke again, the people you associate with and if they live how you live, the good influences and the ones you know are bad, that weird feeling of survivor's guilt for not struggling anymore and making more than what you were used to growing up, the feeling of being ready for anything that could happen even though things are good. Even the specific food smells that remind you of being poor. They're the things that I feel like people who grew up poor fully understand and a lot of more privileged people seem to pity, but don't fully get it.
Unless you're some sort of arrogant, elitist, classist person (and there's a lot of people like that who try to forget what they come from), you tend to empathize with people who also come from little. Your outlook on the holiday seasons, the weather, the foods, the living arrangements, the homelessness, the education. I feel like you develop some form of empathy for people who have less or live the way you used to live. One time I called a specific food "trash" in front of my dad and he was furious at me for being that inconsiderate of what we had that others didn't. I feel like many people who never experienced that sort of hardship are unaware of it (some completely ignore it). They don't know. They mean no harm in not understanding, but they'll never get it. I think you become very observant to that type of stuff after having gone through it yourself.
I still feel like I have a shadow of some sort to that way of living, too. The holidays make me feel a type of way, I'm very careful with limitations, I often consider getting a second job "just in case," and I think a lot about savings. I still don't like the rain because it reminds me of having to walk to and from school while it was raining. My family is doing way better now than ever before, but I can't help and feel like I need to take extra measures to make sure I never go back. Even now I still think I don't know how to dress at my grown age because I never really cared about styling (I am Ross and TJ Maxx's strongest soldier). I've been working on breaking my bad habits of categorizing people based on what they have that I don't or didn't have growing up. If you grew up in a house with your own room and had cable, you were rich to me. Now, I know that's not exactly the case. That's not how it works with every household. I think it came from a place of my own insecurity or envy seeing others have what felt so out of reach to me. At the same time, it's a big part of me that has made me work harder for the things I want. Even now, I still have that drive to continue growing and ensuring that my kids never experience the sort of life I had as a kid. I just need to constantly remind myself that things aren't like they used to be. It's okay to get the nicer pair of shoes sometimes and live a little more.
I wouldn't say my family was ever starving or borderline homeless because that was never the case and I don't want to exaggerate or sensationalize any of this. Yet, there's still this shame in talking about the things you didn't have growing up. I think it's hard for those who didn't deal with that to fully understand it. It's deeper than not getting the toy you wanted growing up or not getting concert tickets when everyone else was. It's a feeling and understanding that makes poor kids easily point out the more privileged ones from a mile away. We just had it different growing up. But to be fair to the ones that had it good, it's like that fish not knowing they're in water. I think it's a good thing that you had it good growing up. It's just a big slap in the face to the less fortunate kids when you complain about your drawers not having more room for your new clothes, or your computer working fine but you want it to be be faster, or when you're stressed that can't find the iPhone color you want in any store. Those issues are still valid though, right?
All this to say: being raised in poverty isn't a superpower, in my opinion. I don't know how to feel about growing up poor being considered a flex. Surviving poverty and making it out is a huge accomplishment, but that trauma isn't your superpower. That struggle olympics mentality ain't it. People do not need to live in poverty to be productive humans (David Rhoiney). You can learn how to be successful and not have to go through traumatic experiences as a child or an adult for that to happen. Your superpower is the indomitable spirit you carry inside and that drive of yours to build a better future for yourself and your loved ones.
Yet, that shame and embarrassment from the struggle does something to you that makes you want to work even harder. I think it makes you appreciate the things you work so hard to have now (I talked about it in a previous post). Many don't know how to talk about the subject. I'd hate to bring it up just out of sounding sorry to others when that isn't the point. I was poor. Too bad, so sad. Boohoo, woe is me. You can't always live in the past. Things are different now and I have more autonomy to carve a new path. It's up to me now to make sure my kids and I never fall in that. The conversation isn't had enough, I think. Instead, here is a post about a topic that's difficult to have with others, but I think is relatable to so many.
